I’m tired.
My heart feels heavy. I’ve been going through a lot of changes. No, I am not getting my period. No, I am not growing taller. But I’m growing as a person. Maturing. Learning. Reaching out towards adulthood and losing that “innocence”.
I am/was naïve. I looked at the world with unblinking eyes. It was full of possibilities and wonder. I could do anything. I could go anywhere. I carried nothing. Free.
For once in my life, I’m beginning to truly understand the consequences of my actions. And once I cross that threshold, there’s really no turning back. Burden upon burden, responsibility upon responsibility. It leaves your back arched and your breath shallow. Unrelenting. Suffocating, Heavy.
I’m in that transition. That transition between child to adult, and it’s stretching me in ways that I never thought I could be stretched. It challenges my character, my values, the rocks upon which I have built my life upon. It leaves me bewildered and confused. Lost with almost no end in sight.
Being in a relationship taught me for the first time to think for another person, to put their needs above mine. I’m learning so much from my relationship with Ally, and they are harsh lesson after harsh lesson. In the beginning, I fought it as hard as I could. My pride would not bow its head. The harder she pushed, the harder I pushed back.
People who know me, know just how hard it is for me to change, how hard headed and stubborn I can be. That the bottom line was, I always thought I was right. As an engineer, you always build on the foundation, and my foundation was absolutely myself.
But a relationship cannot survive that way. I may have been a “good” person or a “good” friend, but I was definitely a bad boyfriend. It was always my way or the high way. My time, my place. Whatever I wanted when I wanted it. There was no room for another person. The relationship was all about me. But I’m painfully learning that It’s a co-existence, a co-dependence. Slowly, I started to come around. It’s still just beginning, but some of Ally’s hard work is finally bearing fruit.
I’m not the best boyfriend. I’m not the most caring. But I have more patience. Learning how to be emotionally available. Learning how to take care of someone else. What it means to make another person happy. Looking at how someone else receives and recognizes love rather than just forcing my own way on them. Showing my affection in a way that the other person can understand.
It’s a lot to take. It’s a lot to change. It’s tiring, but I continue to walk. Forever walking towards that light, that hope, that one day it’ll all be better. Reaching towards the summit. As my muscles burn and my legs ache, all I can think about how I’m purging myself of all that weakness, that impurity. That these fires, these conflicts, these arguments and fights are going to make me better. That all this change is going to be worth it.
And through it all is my girlfriend, Ally Lai, who is by no means an angel herself. But that patience and stubbornness is worth something in it of itself. Her perseverance through my idiocies and gigantic pride is a testament of her own…pride and stubbornness. So yea, I’m extremely grateful that she puts up with my pig-headedness….even though she drives me bat-shit crazy.
I’m going to continue to keep blogging. I need this creative outlet to keep my soul moving. I used to only blog when I felt moved in order to sort them out. But the fact that I’m not feeling anything….I need to figure that shit out too. Anyways, expect more in the future.
